Start at home...

So I dove in. Yesterday I dove into my place. In true FLYlady fashion I got out a timer and set it for 15 minutes. When I first decided to do this I shared this with my roommate. I was hurt because she told me I definitely needed to clean (which I am painfully aware of), and that if I didn't start going against my nature then I might have to look for somewhere else to live. I was hurt on multiple levels, one is because the last time I mentioned to her about FLYlady she mentioned something to the extent of "why do you think this time it will be different?"

The comment was mostly out of character but I dealt with it, it was then her putting me down again. I felt damned if I do, damned if I didn't, and damned if I even tried. I know she is concerned for me and it is her property. Still hurt.

But I dove in, I got my timer out and set it for 15 minutes and started. I told myself that I was pissed and hurt and that is fine and that after the 15 minutes I would let myself have 15 minutes to wallow in self pity and whatever feelings I had. And that is what I did. Switched that timer on to 15 minutes again and again, the down time was less and less self pity, and more and more productive and also relaxing. I spent about 2 and 3/4 hours in this process and then took a break in the house talking to my roommate. We didn't discuss my feelings, but then again I was distanced enough from them I wanted to really think about it before really discussing it. What was I really upset over was it the comment from that day or was it the comment from before or the combo? or was it that I had the issue in the first place?

I went and got a coffee (my indulgence) and some take out (okay dealing with just one issue for that day) and I came back and started just doing little things that showed me how much space I really had, such as consolidating a few which were less than half full and stacking empty boxes in each other instead of spreading them around my place.

I was okay with stopping when I got tired and realized I made progress and that was all that was necessary. I would have been okay with just 15 minutes, because I am always amazed at what I get done in 15 minutes and because this mess wasn't created in a short time, and it won't be organized in a snap.

I took pictures along the way after every 15 minutes. It helped me see what I did and the progress I made. I will post them as soon as I download them from my phone. I am nervous about posting the pictures but I have to do that to let go of the shame and to let go of the judgment that happens inside me. I am what I am and I have to accept that before I can move on. Same as my place, I have to accept the clutter before I can accept how I am making it. It is bad, but now it isn't as bad as it was.

And that is a good thing!

Starting over

I am ready for a change, I mean really ready. There has been the desire for a different life, an different way of living, but I haven't really been dedicated to that. I am now ready to be dedicated. I know I may trip, but I am ready to not let that derail me from my goal of being a good me and not regretting life or letting anything pass me by because of my excuses. My current excuses have been: that I am over weight, which has resulted in mixed health issues and other things that all have been used as excuses to moving forward; and that I am messy therefore cannot have people over to visit, can't have dates over, don't have time to just do good stuff for me because "I need to clean."

No longer am I waiting until "I am thinner" or "My place is clean." I am taking action. Both in acting now and by changing my behavior to make those truly non-issues. I want to let go of the pain and hurt but also all that mental clutter that fills my head over these issues.

I hope that by sharing this here, that maybe I can share with others who are experiencing similar things, but even if I just get this written down, it will be good. I need a benchmark, something to show me how far I have come and how far I go.

To new beginnings!